The Language

Japanese is a very difficult language as I can attest, I have been here for eight years and still don’t know what the hell they are gabbling on about…..and that’s when they are trying to speak English! I guess I should teach a few useful words and phrases for the benefit of my cousin and her boyfriend who are due to arrive here on the sixth of September.

Greetings, or as the Japanese say ‘Gleetings’
I guess the first greeting you might need as you arrive, bleary eyed and jet lagged at Narita, is ‘Good morning’. The Japanese have to go and complicate this simple greeting by making it the greeting that you use when first meeting someone that day, no matter what time of day it is. If I meet Miss Yamamoto for the first time on Monday at 2pm, I automatically say ‘Konichiwa’ or ‘Good afternoon’, as it is usually translated. Unfortunately, she will probably say Ohaiyogozaimsu at exactly the same moment and thus make me feel such a fool. Same time on Tuesday, we pass on the stairs again. I’m ready for her this time…’Ohaiyogozaimasu’ ‘Konnichiwa’ at the same moment. AAAARRGGHH!! Bloody hell, can I never get it right. Ohaiyogozaimasu can be shortened to that famous American State ‘Ohio’ for people that you are friendly with, otherwise stick to the long version. ‘Good evening’ is usually translated as ‘Konbanwa’ and ‘good night is ‘Oyasuminasai’, but that is usually said just as you are heading to bed, so unless you live with Japanese people, you are unlikely to need it.

Appaloaggees
Japanese people are generally extremely polite and apologise and excuse themselves endlessly while giving little bows for the least thing. ‘Excuse me’ is rendered as ‘Sumimasen’ (Sue-me-ma-sen). （‘Hen’ can be added if you are from the west of Scotland）. ‘I’m extremely sorry’ is ‘Gomen-nasai’ Very useful when you are trying to negotiate a suitcase the size of a Japanese apartment onto a crowded commuter train.

General Introductions
‘I am Scottish’ can be translated as ‘Je suis Eccosaise’, but this will be met with blank stares as it is French. You should say ‘Watashi wa Scotorandu jin desu’ more blank stares as half the folk here don’t know where Scotland is and the other half only know St. Andrews and Whisky. You better get used to being a minority of a distinct minority in Japan as foreigners make up about 1% of the population and of that, only 10% are white. The question ‘Doko kara kimashita ka’ should be answered with, ‘Eegeerisu kara kimashita’. This will be all they need to know to identify you as a mad Brit, as they consider all of Britain as ‘Eegeereesu’ or ‘England’! Blasphemy I know but you will be flying in the face of the Japanese education brainwashing scheme if you try to enlighten them as to the true nature of the UK. At least until you are onto teaching them advanced English anyway.

Thank’s Jimmy
‘Thank you’ can be formed in various ways depending on the situation and the level of politeness required.
If you are thanking a student or member of staff for a wee present or something, you should use the politest form, which is ‘Domo arigato gozaimasu’ (Domo areegateaux gozaeemasue). The Japanese love giving and receiving presents and a wee box of shorty for the staff at school will go a long way to endearing you to them, I myself will have to take some local delicacies back from Kyoto for the other teachers at school or else be thought of as that boorish big Gaijin, (foreigner), twonk with the big nose....again).
Slightly less polite, but OK for most situations such as when you get change form the wee lady in the ‘supa’, (supermarket), is ‘Arigato’ (Areegateaux), (there’s that cake again, I wonder if it’s a Marks and Spencer Black Forest job). Very chummy and for use in only the least polite situations is plain old ‘Domo’. Or ‘ta mate’ as I like to think of it.

Yes and No
The Japanese are a right evasive wee bunch of bu**ers, and will try to avoid saying a decisive yes or no to any tricky question. However, for the newly arrived, that is unlikely to arise. Simply put, yes is ‘Hai’ (high said very quickly) and no is ‘ie’ (eeyeah) said at any speed you like. A useful phrase is sure to be, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand’. This is ‘Gomen nasai, wakarimasen’. This is likely to be the stock response to most utterances for the first five years of anyone’s stay in Japan.

Enough for now. I have to go and study some Japanese or my grumpy wife will be even grumpier, (is that possible?)