Bugs II

Just a few more things to say about the wee beasties we see out here. The mosquitos have mostly left me alone this summer as they would much rather munch on Reiko than me, (and who can blame them). However, I have been bitten a lot by a kind of bed bug/flea thing called 'danni', they tend to infest old tatami mats and futons that aren't aired in the sun enough. So be careful about renting old housing with tatty tatamis and make sure that you put that futon in the sun as often as possible. The other major beastie that we see out here is the 'Tombow', or dragonfly. They are especially commen later in the summer and autumn. They are pretty big insects and can give you quite a fright as they buzz past your ear, but unless you REALLY upset them, they are completely harmless to humans and much prefer biting the heads of mosquitos, so I really rather love them and greet them as they fly past.

O-Bon Festival

Unlike Western countries, Japan has its festival of the dead in the middle of summer, not October.
In the middle of August, the spirits of the departed are supposed to journey back to earth and they are guided to their former homes by their families. When it comes time to naff off again, they are guided on their way by bonfires on hillsides, etc. (or I suppose they could be called O-Bonfires!).
Kyoto has the most famous of these bonfires, which are made in the shape of giant Kanji letters, a boat and a large shrine gate, or Torii. Last year, we were invited by Kaori, Reiko’s sister, to view the bonfires from the roof of the office where she works. It was indeed a splendid sight, but a bit tame after the fireworks of a week before.

Because the spirits return to the old family home each year, their descendents have to make their way back to their old hometown in order to welcome the spirits and send them away again. This results in a mass exodus of idiots from their new homes in the big cities, to the town they were born in the middle of nowhere. This in itself wouldn’t make them idiots, but the fact that they all set off at exactly the same moment and thus clog up every major transportation route in the country, must surely qualify them as a right bunch of numpties. I was watching the news tonight and the traffic jams around Tokyo and Osaka stretched for thirty kilometers in every direction. The return traffic snarl-up is expected on Tuesday next week, so I guess pollution and smog levels will peak around then.

The positive aspects of the festival are the lovely sight of lots of little lantern boats being floated down streams and rivers, Bon-Odori dances, which are very nice, and of course the afore mentioned bonfires. 　

Vending Machines

As I already mentioned, Japan is the vending machine Mecca of the world. You can find vending machines everywhere, mostly for drinks and ciggies, but also for beer, sake and whisky, porno mags, underwear, (new and soiled! YUUCK!), and of course, snacks. If you are freezing your hands off in the midst of winter, you can get a hot can of coffee or tea or cocoa or soup or... well, almost anything.

In the scorching summer, with your throat as dry as a Billabong in the dry season, there is your vending machine, stacked to the gunwhales with all manner of icy cold refreshments. If you walk for a hundred yards in Japan and don't see a vending machine, you are seriously out in the sticks somewhere. Reiko and I have climbed remote peaks only to discover a cold drink waiting for us at the top for the princly sum of sixty pence.

Mind you, you need a few words of warning about some of the drinks available. Cider in Japan is tasteless sugary soda water, not a seriously alcoholic apple drink. Energy drinks come complete with alluring names like 'Calpis', (Cowpiss?), and 'Pocari Sweat', who the heck wants to drink sweat? (They also sell coffee creamer called 'Creap', but that's in the supermarket).

If you're Scottish and you miss Irn-Bru, you might find melon soda a reasonable replacement, although the change to a milky green colour might take a bit of getting used to. Personally, I like Lipton's lemon tea and in winter, hot Royal Milk tea, which is milky and sweet, very strange as I don't normally take sugar in my tea. For connysewers of coffee, the variety of canned coffee is almost endless. Barely a week goes by but they seem to bring out a new blend for your delectation. Japanese workers are so overburdened that they need some serious inputs of caffeine to get through the day, (even then, I've never seen so many people asleep on trains and buses in my life)

The Language

Japanese is a very difficult language as I can attest, I have been here for eight years and still don’t know what the hell they are gabbling on about…..and that’s when they are trying to speak English! I guess I should teach a few useful words and phrases for the benefit of my cousin and her boyfriend who are due to arrive here on the sixth of September.

Greetings, or as the Japanese say ‘Gleetings’
I guess the first greeting you might need as you arrive, bleary eyed and jet lagged at Narita, is ‘Good morning’. The Japanese have to go and complicate this simple greeting by making it the greeting that you use when first meeting someone that day, no matter what time of day it is. If I meet Miss Yamamoto for the first time on Monday at 2pm, I automatically say ‘Konichiwa’ or ‘Good afternoon’, as it is usually translated. Unfortunately, she will probably say Ohaiyogozaimsu at exactly the same moment and thus make me feel such a fool. Same time on Tuesday, we pass on the stairs again. I’m ready for her this time…’Ohaiyogozaimasu’ ‘Konnichiwa’ at the same moment. AAAARRGGHH!! Bloody hell, can I never get it right. Ohaiyogozaimasu can be shortened to that famous American State ‘Ohio’ for people that you are friendly with, otherwise stick to the long version. ‘Good evening’ is usually translated as ‘Konbanwa’ and ‘good night is ‘Oyasuminasai’, but that is usually said just as you are heading to bed, so unless you live with Japanese people, you are unlikely to need it.

Appaloaggees
Japanese people are generally extremely polite and apologise and excuse themselves endlessly while giving little bows for the least thing. ‘Excuse me’ is rendered as ‘Sumimasen’ (Sue-me-ma-sen). （‘Hen’ can be added if you are from the west of Scotland）. ‘I’m extremely sorry’ is ‘Gomen-nasai’ Very useful when you are trying to negotiate a suitcase the size of a Japanese apartment onto a crowded commuter train.

General Introductions
‘I am Scottish’ can be translated as ‘Je suis Eccosaise’, but this will be met with blank stares as it is French. You should say ‘Watashi wa Scotorandu jin desu’ more blank stares as half the folk here don’t know where Scotland is and the other half only know St. Andrews and Whisky. You better get used to being a minority of a distinct minority in Japan as foreigners make up about 1% of the population and of that, only 10% are white. The question ‘Doko kara kimashita ka’ should be answered with, ‘Eegeerisu kara kimashita’. This will be all they need to know to identify you as a mad Brit, as they consider all of Britain as ‘Eegeereesu’ or ‘England’! Blasphemy I know but you will be flying in the face of the Japanese education brainwashing scheme if you try to enlighten them as to the true nature of the UK. At least until you are onto teaching them advanced English anyway.

Thank’s Jimmy
‘Thank you’ can be formed in various ways depending on the situation and the level of politeness required.
If you are thanking a student or member of staff for a wee present or something, you should use the politest form, which is ‘Domo arigato gozaimasu’ (Domo areegateaux gozaeemasue). The Japanese love giving and receiving presents and a wee box of shorty for the staff at school will go a long way to endearing you to them, I myself will have to take some local delicacies back from Kyoto for the other teachers at school or else be thought of as that boorish big Gaijin, (foreigner), twonk with the big nose....again).
Slightly less polite, but OK for most situations such as when you get change form the wee lady in the ‘supa’, (supermarket), is ‘Arigato’ (Areegateaux), (there’s that cake again, I wonder if it’s a Marks and Spencer Black Forest job). Very chummy and for use in only the least polite situations is plain old ‘Domo’. Or ‘ta mate’ as I like to think of it.

Yes and No
The Japanese are a right evasive wee bunch of bu**ers, and will try to avoid saying a decisive yes or no to any tricky question. However, for the newly arrived, that is unlikely to arise. Simply put, yes is ‘Hai’ (high said very quickly) and no is ‘ie’ (eeyeah) said at any speed you like. A useful phrase is sure to be, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand’. This is ‘Gomen nasai, wakarimasen’. This is likely to be the stock response to most utterances for the first five years of anyone’s stay in Japan.

Enough for now. I have to go and study some Japanese or my grumpy wife will be even grumpier, (is that possible?)