Japanese trains

Britain was the innovator. We started it all. James Watt and George Stephenson gave us steam engines which would power railways and steamships around the world. The world’s first passenger railway ran from Stockton to Darlington, and until the nineteen sixties, Britain maintained a comprehensive and efficient rail system. No more. The proud heritage that we inherited from our Victorian forebears has been squandered due to our love of the infernal combustion engine and the incredible shortsightedness of successive governments.
Not so in Japan. Japan’s transport infrastructure was severely crippled during the Second World War, so they had a clean slate to work with as they started to reconstruct. Today, the main rail lines are run By JR West and JR East, and they go to tiny out of the way places as well as all round the cities. In competition with JR are a host of private rail lines owned and run by large corporations which also tend to own large department stores and hotels situated at the stations. Of course, the sheer volume of passengers would prohibit everyone from commuting via motorcar anyway, but in any case, the Japanese have managed to create a rail network that is the envy of the world.
Unlike Britain, where the trains are old, the stations unmanned, (?!) the tracks crumbling and the network inconvenient, Japan has managed to man all its stations, provide electronic ticket machines, air conditioned waiting rooms and fast frequent trains on an expanding network. If anyone in Britain is serious about turning British Rail back into a service that we can be proud of, I strongly suggest that they get a team of experts out here fast to see how it should be done.
When I was in Kyoto over the summer, I traveled to Osaka almost every day to study Japanese. The train journey was on a fast express train and took about an hour, so it must have been about sixty or seventy miles. The ticket price was one pound eighty! Much cheaper and faster than a run from Glasgow to Edinburgh. That was on one of the private lines which tend to be cheaper than JR right enough. I caught the train at the new halt near Reiko’s parent’s house. This station is only about two years old and it is very small, but it has a news kiosk, electronic ticket machines and barriers, air conditioned waiting rooms and trains that run every ten minutes, beat that!




Automatic ticket barriers are found in almost every station in Japan.














Electronic ticket machines which can sell a wide variety of tickets very quickly.










As for longer distances, everyone has heard of the bullet trains, or ‘Shinkansen’ in Japanese. We traveled down to Kyoto on one of these wonders and it was very comfortable, despite having Akira on our laps. The bodies of these trains are extremely wide, which allows five seats across the train and a wide aisle. The seats all face the direction of travel and are swiveled at each end of the run for the return journey. If you are a group of six or so, you can swivel the seats to form a group area anytime you like. The inside of the trains is more reminiscent of an aeroplane than a train, except that it isn’t carpeted. There isn’t a buffet as such, but there is a trolley service and of course the usual vending machines. There is even a scrolling sign board at the end of each carriage which not only details all the stops, but also gives the latest news headlines. Announcements are very clear and are in English as well as Japanese. The toilets are many and varied, from urinals for men to Japanese style squat toilets and normal Western style toilets. There are also separate washbasins in the corridor too. The ticket prices are rather high, but the journey is very quick and very comfortable. Little wonder then that Hitachi have won a contract to supply trains for British rail. Mr. Stevenson must be spinning in his grave.





The incredible Kyoto Station building.













And the inside, (sorry it's a bit blurry).

Bugs II

Just a few more things to say about the wee beasties we see out here. The mosquitos have mostly left me alone this summer as they would much rather munch on Reiko than me, (and who can blame them). However, I have been bitten a lot by a kind of bed bug/flea thing called 'danni', they tend to infest old tatami mats and futons that aren't aired in the sun enough. So be careful about renting old housing with tatty tatamis and make sure that you put that futon in the sun as often as possible. The other major beastie that we see out here is the 'Tombow', or dragonfly. They are especially commen later in the summer and autumn. They are pretty big insects and can give you quite a fright as they buzz past your ear, but unless you REALLY upset them, they are completely harmless to humans and much prefer biting the heads of mosquitos, so I really rather love them and greet them as they fly past.

O-Bon Festival

Unlike Western countries, Japan has its festival of the dead in the middle of summer, not October.
In the middle of August, the spirits of the departed are supposed to journey back to earth and they are guided to their former homes by their families. When it comes time to naff off again, they are guided on their way by bonfires on hillsides, etc. (or I suppose they could be called O-Bonfires!).
Kyoto has the most famous of these bonfires, which are made in the shape of giant Kanji letters, a boat and a large shrine gate, or Torii. Last year, we were invited by Kaori, Reiko’s sister, to view the bonfires from the roof of the office where she works. It was indeed a splendid sight, but a bit tame after the fireworks of a week before.

Because the spirits return to the old family home each year, their descendents have to make their way back to their old hometown in order to welcome the spirits and send them away again. This results in a mass exodus of idiots from their new homes in the big cities, to the town they were born in the middle of nowhere. This in itself wouldn’t make them idiots, but the fact that they all set off at exactly the same moment and thus clog up every major transportation route in the country, must surely qualify them as a right bunch of numpties. I was watching the news tonight and the traffic jams around Tokyo and Osaka stretched for thirty kilometers in every direction. The return traffic snarl-up is expected on Tuesday next week, so I guess pollution and smog levels will peak around then.

The positive aspects of the festival are the lovely sight of lots of little lantern boats being floated down streams and rivers, Bon-Odori dances, which are very nice, and of course the afore mentioned bonfires. 　

Vending Machines

As I already mentioned, Japan is the vending machine Mecca of the world. You can find vending machines everywhere, mostly for drinks and ciggies, but also for beer, sake and whisky, porno mags, underwear, (new and soiled! YUUCK!), and of course, snacks. If you are freezing your hands off in the midst of winter, you can get a hot can of coffee or tea or cocoa or soup or... well, almost anything.

In the scorching summer, with your throat as dry as a Billabong in the dry season, there is your vending machine, stacked to the gunwhales with all manner of icy cold refreshments. If you walk for a hundred yards in Japan and don't see a vending machine, you are seriously out in the sticks somewhere. Reiko and I have climbed remote peaks only to discover a cold drink waiting for us at the top for the princly sum of sixty pence.

Mind you, you need a few words of warning about some of the drinks available. Cider in Japan is tasteless sugary soda water, not a seriously alcoholic apple drink. Energy drinks come complete with alluring names like 'Calpis', (Cowpiss?), and 'Pocari Sweat', who the heck wants to drink sweat? (They also sell coffee creamer called 'Creap', but that's in the supermarket).

If you're Scottish and you miss Irn-Bru, you might find melon soda a reasonable replacement, although the change to a milky green colour might take a bit of getting used to. Personally, I like Lipton's lemon tea and in winter, hot Royal Milk tea, which is milky and sweet, very strange as I don't normally take sugar in my tea. For connysewers of coffee, the variety of canned coffee is almost endless. Barely a week goes by but they seem to bring out a new blend for your delectation. Japanese workers are so overburdened that they need some serious inputs of caffeine to get through the day, (even then, I've never seen so many people asleep on trains and buses in my life)

The Language

Japanese is a very difficult language as I can attest, I have been here for eight years and still don’t know what the hell they are gabbling on about…..and that’s when they are trying to speak English! I guess I should teach a few useful words and phrases for the benefit of my cousin and her boyfriend who are due to arrive here on the sixth of September.

Greetings, or as the Japanese say ‘Gleetings’
I guess the first greeting you might need as you arrive, bleary eyed and jet lagged at Narita, is ‘Good morning’. The Japanese have to go and complicate this simple greeting by making it the greeting that you use when first meeting someone that day, no matter what time of day it is. If I meet Miss Yamamoto for the first time on Monday at 2pm, I automatically say ‘Konichiwa’ or ‘Good afternoon’, as it is usually translated. Unfortunately, she will probably say Ohaiyogozaimsu at exactly the same moment and thus make me feel such a fool. Same time on Tuesday, we pass on the stairs again. I’m ready for her this time…’Ohaiyogozaimasu’ ‘Konnichiwa’ at the same moment. AAAARRGGHH!! Bloody hell, can I never get it right. Ohaiyogozaimasu can be shortened to that famous American State ‘Ohio’ for people that you are friendly with, otherwise stick to the long version. ‘Good evening’ is usually translated as ‘Konbanwa’ and ‘good night is ‘Oyasuminasai’, but that is usually said just as you are heading to bed, so unless you live with Japanese people, you are unlikely to need it.

Appaloaggees
Japanese people are generally extremely polite and apologise and excuse themselves endlessly while giving little bows for the least thing. ‘Excuse me’ is rendered as ‘Sumimasen’ (Sue-me-ma-sen). （‘Hen’ can be added if you are from the west of Scotland）. ‘I’m extremely sorry’ is ‘Gomen-nasai’ Very useful when you are trying to negotiate a suitcase the size of a Japanese apartment onto a crowded commuter train.

General Introductions
‘I am Scottish’ can be translated as ‘Je suis Eccosaise’, but this will be met with blank stares as it is French. You should say ‘Watashi wa Scotorandu jin desu’ more blank stares as half the folk here don’t know where Scotland is and the other half only know St. Andrews and Whisky. You better get used to being a minority of a distinct minority in Japan as foreigners make up about 1% of the population and of that, only 10% are white. The question ‘Doko kara kimashita ka’ should be answered with, ‘Eegeerisu kara kimashita’. This will be all they need to know to identify you as a mad Brit, as they consider all of Britain as ‘Eegeereesu’ or ‘England’! Blasphemy I know but you will be flying in the face of the Japanese education brainwashing scheme if you try to enlighten them as to the true nature of the UK. At least until you are onto teaching them advanced English anyway.

Thank’s Jimmy
‘Thank you’ can be formed in various ways depending on the situation and the level of politeness required.
If you are thanking a student or member of staff for a wee present or something, you should use the politest form, which is ‘Domo arigato gozaimasu’ (Domo areegateaux gozaeemasue). The Japanese love giving and receiving presents and a wee box of shorty for the staff at school will go a long way to endearing you to them, I myself will have to take some local delicacies back from Kyoto for the other teachers at school or else be thought of as that boorish big Gaijin, (foreigner), twonk with the big nose....again).
Slightly less polite, but OK for most situations such as when you get change form the wee lady in the ‘supa’, (supermarket), is ‘Arigato’ (Areegateaux), (there’s that cake again, I wonder if it’s a Marks and Spencer Black Forest job). Very chummy and for use in only the least polite situations is plain old ‘Domo’. Or ‘ta mate’ as I like to think of it.

Yes and No
The Japanese are a right evasive wee bunch of bu**ers, and will try to avoid saying a decisive yes or no to any tricky question. However, for the newly arrived, that is unlikely to arise. Simply put, yes is ‘Hai’ (high said very quickly) and no is ‘ie’ (eeyeah) said at any speed you like. A useful phrase is sure to be, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t understand’. This is ‘Gomen nasai, wakarimasen’. This is likely to be the stock response to most utterances for the first five years of anyone’s stay in Japan.

Enough for now. I have to go and study some Japanese or my grumpy wife will be even grumpier, (is that possible?)

BUGS!

In Scotland, we are used to the influx of insects that the summer brings, wasps, bees, flies, midges, butterflies, horseflies and all the rest, either benign or not so pleasant. We know what to expect and we prepare for it as best we can. We know that midges don’t usually come out in direct sunlight and that if we use a good repellant, we will probably only suffer minor blood-loss. We are also aware that wasps are mostly harmless during the early part of the summer and only become aggressive later in the season, when they stop feeding on other insects and become more interested in sweet things such as ripening fruit or that ice-cream that you are trying to eat. Here in Japan they also have most of the insects that we know. There are bees from tiny, ant-size mini bees to things that dwarf our bumblebees, there are wasps of every stripe, the most dangerous being the ‘Suzumebachi’, or ‘sparrow bee’, so called because that’s the size it attains! Very dangerous, a few stings from them and you can die.

Cockroaches are another common feature in Japan, especially in older houses. I haven’t seen a single one in our house, which is now three years old. I've seen two in two days in Reiko’s parent's house in Kyoto and they were both about two inches long, YUCK! One of my major pet hates in Japan is cockroaches, or ‘Gokiburi’, as they are called here. They look revolting, they spread disease and they cause asthma. Very unhygienic and unpleasant creatures. There are a lot of products to control them and they can be removed from your view quite easily. My other bugbear, if you’ll pardon the pun, is the mosquitoes, I can’t stand them, but they love me. Thankfully, they love Reiko even more and she generally gets over a bite in about a day or so, whereas I suffer for a week or two. Thank god for winter when they die off.

Summer and autumn wouldn't be the same in Japan without the churring sound of the cicadas, or ‘Semi’ in Japanese. These huge, cumbersome, clumsy bugs must be among the noisiest insects in the world. When they really get going in the garden here, it can actually hurt your ears and the resonance is such that it sounds as if they are right beside you, when in fact they are a number of metres away. They aren't harmful in any way, and form a rather pleasant backdrop to summer landscapes. Apparently, the Chinese regard them highly as a delicacy, but they are such physically repulsive creatures, that you won't catch me trying fried cicada anytime soon. Of course there are beautiful insects here too. There is a flowering shrub in the garden that attracts a lot of butterflies. Even in this suburb of Kyoto, the variety of butterflies that come to feed on the nectar is quite amazing, about what we would expect in a country garden I suppose. One of the butterflies is a big black beastie with red spots on its swallowtail wings. It must have a wingspan of at least 5 inches and looks bigger than most bats that I have seen around here.

Sorry I haven’t updated recently, but what with the end-of-term and traveling to Kyoto, I’ve had rather a busy time of it. I’ll try and write more often from now on.

Japanese Physique

I mentioned the Japanese mentality earlier and that is obviously not an easy thing to discuss in real depth in a Blog like this. Suffice it to say that most Japanese young women never really mature much past about fourteen years of age, they love all things cute, squeal at pictures of puppies or kittens and are quite vacuous, (Reiko is an obvious exception to this and there are many others, but these squealers are the ones you will notice most). Boys on the other hand, never mature at all and are a bunch of spoilt mummy's boys who want and get anything they want and are assured by their parents that they are the best thing since sliced bread. If anything should upset them, (someone telling them not to smoke in a train carriage, for example), they feel perfectly justified in being totally miffed and stabbing said person to death. Shallow, shallow, shallow! Thank god there are still many lovely, kind, decent folk here too or we would all go nuts.

Physically, the Japanese are rapidly changing. I now have third year students (14-15 years old), who are as tall as I am and obesity is a growing, (literally!), problem as the Japanese adopt a more western, unhealthy diet and will no doubt finally become big fat wobble bottoms like the Americans they admire so much. (why would they want to do that?)

Modern Japanese people, especially women, are fixated about beauty. (I've seen boys with Alice bands in their hair and they pluck their eyebrows and worry about their complexions just as much as their girlfriends). They are certain of their own inherent imperfection and any self esteem they might have is swiftly eroded by the media's depiction of female perfection in the form of western models who look nothing like an average Japanese woman. A current beauty salon advert has a poor hapless Japanese woman being called out of a waiting room to witness, in person, the personification of beauty that she should be aspiring to. Who is this paragon of gorgeousness, who is the perfect woman? Of course, it could only be.... VICTORIA BECKHAM!! Don't the Japanese know that she is a pig in knickers? The hapless lassie mentioned was actually far prettier than old hog face could ever hope to be.

It would be nice if the Japanese would simply accept the way they are. Physically, they do tend to be smaller than Americans or Europeans, but they are usually very sveldt and quite strong. Women tend to be willowy and very slim. They have beautiful black or dark-brown hair and this suits their colouring very well. Naturally, people want a bit of individuality, so they dye that hair within an inch of its life, every shade of brown and blonde, including old man grey and sunrise orange. It is actually refreshing to see someone who doesn't have orangy brown hair walking about the place. Thank god Reiko is sensible and doesn't go in for all that crap.
Pig in Pants or Asian Babe, you decide.

Anyway more ranting later.